To Thrive Is Not Selfish

A reflection on the dangers of people-pleasing

My first day of Kindergarten was misery. In fact, for a child high on the high sensitivity scale, the entire year was miserable. I absorbed the energy of the room full of chaotic children. Each floor of the school building had a color, and the elementary floor was red. The walls were red, the doors were red. Everything was red. Fun fact: red is a stimulating color... and overstimulating to a highly sensitive child. At lunch, there were too many smells in the cafeteria and my cheese sandwich my mom had packed for me smelled and tasted like the plastic baggie it was stored in. I wanted to go home where it was quiet and my food didn't smell weird.

I cried a lot. I cried almost every day of Kindergarten. The adults assumed it was separation anxiety. No one knew about high sensitivity back then and I assumed the adults knew what they were talking about and I must miss my mom. The truth was I just wanted to go home where it wasn't so overwhelming. My mom was how I would get home, but it was less about her more about escaping the HSP hell.

I now understand that it was sensory overload and I happen to be particularly sensitive. Back then I just felt like a failure and a disappointment. Teachers were obviously frustrated with me (kind, but frustrated) and disappointed that I was always crying. My mom was upset that I was upset (she tried to hide this, but as an HSP I sensed it), and everyone seemed confused why a good kid was having such trouble adjusting this to "normal activity." I felt broken and confused. How come other kids didn't feel the same way I did?

Like most highly sensitives, I was very bothered that I was disappointing the adults. I sensed their emotions and wanted to please them to make them feel better. Eventually, I learned to cope (or just survive… did I really cope?) with the hell that was a classroom and I learned how to please the teachers. This made them happy, and therefore I was happy...or so I thought.

As many HSP children find, it's easier to keep the adults happy than to feel their disappointment. So, we people-please. We say yes, we follow the rules, we go the extra mile. This coping mechanism and survival technique continues into adulthood and we keep saying yes. We keep saying yes to things that end up completely detrimental to our mental health. This is how I ended up on a church council (that was more hellish than the kindergarten classroom!), how I regularly ended up at lunches with people who make my anxiety sky rocket, and how I eventually destroyed my nervous system.

It took chronic stress, my mom dying and reaching my mid-30s before I realized just how much we highly sensitives lose ourselves when we say yes when we want to say no. We are constantly under pressure to "be normal" like everyone else and we keep saying yes to things that don't serve us well.

Beyond the pressure to "fit in" and "be normal" we're taught in our society (especially in "Christian Culture”) that we must be NICE. "Don't hurt your witness!" we're told. Combine this cultural message with the HSP proclivity to absorb emotions and it's a recipe for misery as we work to keep everyone around us happy (even if we aren't happy ourselves).

Let's look at what Scripture has to say about this. Paul tells us in Galatians that if he were still trying to please people, he would not be a servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10). As highly sensitives we must ask ourselves if we're being NICE because of cultural expectation and our own desire to not absorb negative emotions or if we're following the Holy Spirit's guidance.

There is a difference between KINDNESS and being "nice" (aka people-pleasing).

We need to understand that cultural norms aren't necessarily what will help us thrive. While God can absolutely work miracles and use any situation for His Glory, a Christ follower in survival mode is probably not going to be the best witness for Christ. Christ wants to HEAL US so we can through Him help heal others.

Christ wants us to thrive.

If six-year old Megan knew what she knows thirty years later, she would tell her teachers & parents that she has sensory sensitivity and this classroom is way too overstimulating, and she would likely thrive better in a home-school setting.

If thirty year old Megan knew what she knows now, she would decline that lunch invite with that person who makes her anxiety sky rocket. It's really not worth the stress to the nervous system and being in survival mode isn't doing anyone any good.

I have loved the Lord since I was 3 years old and I may have said the right thing here and there in seasons prior, but I promise you this: It wasn't until I started saying NO to people and their expectations that I started saying YES to God and what HE wanted for me.

There's this pervasive belief, especially in American Christianity, that harder is holier. Thriving is somehow seen as selfish. "We must suffer as Christ suffered," we say. Yet, we seem to forget the Shalom and healing Jesus brought. He fed the crowd, he saw to their basic needs. As highly sensitives we have different basic needs and there is nothing wrong with seeking them out.

Do what you need to do to thrive for Jesus so you’re able to seek the thriving of others!

Saying no to people to say yes to God might look like:

-Saying no to serving on a certain ministry at church (it might look like a completely different church exprience than the typical modern American Church!)

-Saying no to hosting dinner often

-Saying no to certain friendships

-Saying no to certain social invites

-Saying no to a community/small group that meets every single week.

-Saying no to events / activities that stress your nervous system: Bright lights, loud music, food that your sensitive body doesn't love, staying out late, etc.

When your nervous system is thriving, you can say YES to much more for Him! As a highly sensitive with basic needs others don't have, this might look VERY different from your non-HSP brothers and sisters in Christ. That's okay.

If I was still attending weekly community group, on church council, and saying yes to every social invite extended - I wouldn't have the energy to follow God's calling to encourage fellow highly sensitives! I'd be in survival mode all the time and be of no use outside the bare minimum. That is not living for Christ. It isn't living at all; it's simply going through the motions of cultural expectations that aren't serving the HSP or anyone around them.

Christ came so that we might have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10). Who or what do you need to say NO to in order to thrive as a highly sensitive so you can say YES to God?